How to plug an awkward gap in your CV – and other career advice for the Mooch

So, you’ve just been sacked from your job working for a major president of a big North American country? Tough one. You thought you would be spending the next few years squeezing the windpipes of hacks at venerable liberal institutions. Instead, you have been plunged back into the world of CV covering letters, Myers-Briggs tests and LinkedIn endorsements. Worse, you may find that the labour market has changed a lot in the past 10 days.

But then, as President Trump tweeted this morning , the stock market is at the highest EVER, jobs numbers are GREAT, so it shouldn’t be too much trouble really. Certainly not if you follow our handy guide to re-employment.

First, any troubling gaps in the CV can be papered over: “travelling” is the classic excuse here. If it’s only a 10-day gap, just say you travelled to attend the birth of your child, even if you were actually on a major presidential aircraft with a famous North American president at the time. If anyone asks why the journey took 10 days, just say: “I did it old school. You know, like the Magi.” Corporations like a quest/challenge element – from Tough Mudders to Escape Rooms, it shows team spirit and sticktoitiveness.

Beyond what’s on paper, take an inventory of your skills. Are there any zones you’ve fallen down in before. Perhaps you are a belligerent silverback hedge fund pirate with a face like a bank robber’s stocking mask? Great start. But would you benefit from a short course in Microsoft Excel?

Before the big interview, clean up your internet history. It may not be possible to erase every single meme celebrating your demise, but a good SEO specialist can certainly nudge your Google profile slightly. Once you’re in the room, a vice-like master-of-the-universe handshake is always appreciated. Then, use office zen to turn negatives into positives. The country hated you? Congratulations, you “oversaw the uniting of liberals and conservatives”. Gave an interview calling your colleague a “fucking paranoid schizophrenic”? Well, naturally, you “highlighted mental health issues in the workplace”.

You should be back in the zone in no time. And if not, another vacancy at the White House is sure to pop up soon.

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